The superior mind man vs. mouse

I’ve never thought of myself as a brave man, but it’s nice to know if you’ll be able to handle yourself in a dangerous situation. One morning on my drive to work such an occasion occurred. I was cruising down the road and singing off-key to the radio when I suddenly had the gut wrenching feeling that I wasn’t alone. I could sense the presence of evil even before I saw the black, beady eyes and the long, fang-like teeth that would have chilled the blood of a navy seal. I swerved the car like a madman, not caring about my own well-being or the safety of others as I tried to disgorge from my car this demonic creature from the depths of hell. But the brute held on! Clinging to my wiper blades like a trapeze artist was a mouse. And I’m not talking Mickey Mouse here, this mouse was mean, evil and cunning. I could see it in his eyes. Once I’d gotten over my initial panic I knew I had nothing to fear. I had the superior mind. Besides, he was on the outside while I was safe, entombed within a metal fortress. I locked the doors and prepared to do battle. If I couldn’t shake him off, perhaps I could flood him out. My fingers wrapped around the control to the window washer and I chuckled softly to myself, knowing that this mouse had met his match. I plunged the button down and water cascaded over him in a furious waterfall while I laughed the laugh of the victorious. But then the creature lifted first one leg and then the other, and I swear he slowly washed under each armpit. Then, with a final twist of his tail, which I knew in rodent language had to be an obscene gesture, he slithered under the hood and out of sight. My morning at work passed slowly as I waited for lunch to arrive so I could continue my bout with the creature. Armed with an ice scrapper and an umbrella, I popped the hood and prepared to do battle. The cowardly beast had fled. In his haste he had left behind a scattering of acorn shells, leaves and pine needles. I took great pleasure in brushing his meager possessions off of my engine and onto the cold, dark pavement. This rodent hotel was closed. We both knew who had the superior mind - until I got home that night and cast a final glance at the battlefield, that space between the hood and windshield where the wipers come to rest. There, staring up at me with demonic lust, were those black, beady eyes. We both knew he was looking for a fight. For him, it would be revenge; for me, vindication. Showing absolutely no concern for my own safety, I grabbed my weapons of choice, my trusty ice scrapper and umbrella, threw open the hood and prepared to confront the monstrous beast. Oh, how that ninja mouse led me on a merry chase! Jumping and scrambling from engine part to engine part, the cowardly fiend was afraid to stand still and fight me like a man. Meanwhile, I followed always a second behind, banging from air filter to carburetor, my weapons a blur of angry motion. I worked myself up into a frenzy and couldn’t have banged any faster had I been playing a drum solo in a rock concert. In desperation, the beast dove down a small crevice and disappeared into the bowels of my car. A lesser man might have gloated over his victory, but I had a more important task before me. In a total disregard for the Geneva Convention’s ban on chemical warfare, I forced mothballs into every crack and opening I could find. I crammed five pieces down the crevice into which the coward had fled. It’s been two days now and there has been no further sign of the evil beast. He has met his match and instinct has taken him to haunt a new location. I was free of the rodent, the only reminder the pungent smell of mothballs every time I turn on the heater. I didn’t mind, it was the smell of victory. This morning the little boy who lives next door came by to visit. He was sad. It seems that a couple of days ago his pet gerbil got loose and ran away.

Chinese leader visits u. s. shops for sneakers

Hu Jintao, the leader of China, began his four-day trip to the United States by doing something that made him feel right at home. Landing in Seattle, he was driven immediately to a Footlocker, where he purchased a pair of Nike sneakers. He proudly held them up to the camera, displaying the label on the inside of the tongue that heralded, “Made in China.” “This is what fair trade is all about,” he said. “You give us things to make, and we make them.” His next stop was at the tastefully restrained $100-million home of Bill Gates, where he gave an affable dinner talk. There was no discussion of whether he would allow equal time for a visit to Steve Jobs. His trip includes the inevitable meeting with President Bush, where they’ll discuss all of the topics they’re bound to agree to disagree about, such as the touchy subject of human rights and whether or not Taiwan can somehow be re-stitched to mainland China, how to divvy up the world supply of oil so both economies can keep chugging along on the black gold of the Middle East, if China might join us in restraining the nuclear ambitions of scandalously belligerent Iran, and if China might value its currency appropriately before our trade deficit with them turns our own pockets completely inside out. While we may quibble with the lack of progress the two are likely to make, just seeing the gentleman here, smiling and dressed in an accommodating suit and tie gives us some cause for hope that amity and progress between the two nations will increase, especially those of us who remember Mao and his monstrously debilitating ways, toward the finest potential of his own people and toward our own now much maligned but persistently well-intentioned nation.

Just horsing around

1. What is the fear of horses called? A. Hippophobia B. Riddiophobia C. Sadlophobia D. Equiphobia A. Hippophobia TBD: Hey, you know we dosn't make this stuff up, right?!? 2. Which is NOT a form of horse racing? A. Flat racing B. Harness racing C. Steeplechasing D. Hop-scotching D. Hop-scotching TBD: Did you know that horse racing may well be the oldest sport? By the time humans began recording history it was already well established. Does that mean that book making may really be the oldest profession? 3. Which is NOT a breed of American saddle horse? A. Tennessee Walker B. Morgan C. Quarter Horse D. Kentucky Sprinter D. Kentucky Sprinter TBD: Although, it could be an unofficial breed! 4. The horse's single toe on each of its four feet is its most marked anatomical characteristic and makes it a perissodactyl or odd-toed ungulate. The horse shares this trait with which other animal? A. Rhinoceros B. Tapir C. Elephant D. Cow E. A and B F. C and D E. A and B TBD: Very curious, indeed. 5. Which is NOT one of the three classic American races that make up the Triple Crown? A. The Bluegrass Stakes B. The Belmont Stakes C. The Preakness Stakes D. The Kentucky Derby A. The Bluegrass Stakes TBD: Even though we live in Kentucky, we haven't attended the Kentucky Derby, but we have been to the Bluegrass Stakes (which is a precursor to the Derby) and won money! 6. How were horses introduced to the Americas? A. They were brought by Spanish Conquistadors and explorers in the 16th century. B. They crossed the land bridge with early man. C. They were always there. D. Leif Eriksson and his Viking crew brought them. A. They were brought by Spanish Conquistadors and explorers in the 16th century. TBD: Apparently a species of horse developed in America, but died out, possibly due to disease, so there was no native horse. 7. Is one of these NOT a breed of draft horse? A. Belgian heavy draft horse B. English shire C. Clydesdale D. Percheron E. They are all draft horses! E. They are all draft horses! TBD: As primarily a visual connoisseur of horses, The QuizQueen is partial to the Clydesdale. 8. The Roman Emperor Caligula is famous for many things, but he was also a horse lover, so maybe he wasn't all bad. What did he once want to do for his favorite horse, Incitatus? A. Name her his consort. B. Name him his successor as emperor. C. Appoint him consul of Rome. D. None of the above, he actually ate roasted horse for dinner every night. C. Appoint him consul of Rome. TBD: As if we needed still further proof of what a very bizarre person he was. 9. The moons of Mars are named for the mythical horses that drew the chariot of Mars, the god of war. Can you name them? A. There was only one horse, Pegasus. B. Phobos and Deimos C. Logos, Pathos, and Ethos D. Alpha, Beta, Sigma, and Theta. B. Phobos and Deimos TBD: Hey, that was hard, but you had a shot if you knew either your astrology or your Greek mythology, right? 10. One of the most famous horses in television history is Mr. Ed. Which is NOT a true Mr. Ed fact? A. His original name was Bamboo Harvester. B. He lived to be 30 years old and died Feb. 28, 1979. C. He was raised to be a parade and show horse. D. He was Roy Roger's original sidekick, before Trigger. D. He was Roy Roger's original sidekick, before Trigger. TBD: He was however owned by the president of the California Palomino Society. 11. What was man's earliest relationship with horses? A. Dinner: Man hunted the horse. B. Dinner: The formerly carnivorous horse hunted man. C. Transportation: Man used the horse for hauling and transporting himself and his goods. D. Security: The early horse helped keep watch for danger. A. Dinner: Man hunted the horse. TBD: Although by the Bronze Age man was using the domesticated horse, in the earlier Stone Age the relationship was strictly food chain. 12. How many horses have been Triple Crown winners? A. 11 B. 21 C. 31 D. 13 A. 11 TBD: They are Sir Barton, Gallant Fox, Omaha, War Admiral, Whirlaway, Count Fleet, Assault, Citation, Secretariat, Seattle Slew, and Affirmed. The last one was in 1978.